The War on Chickens

"The coop d'état has begun! Dinosaurs will rule the earth once more!" - Big Chicken

You’ve heard the term “Birds of Prey” haven’t you? Well forget eagles, vultures, and falcons, those pipsqueaks have never killed a human before. But you know which feathered fiend has?

Chickens.

Don’t let their straight beaks and dull talons fool you. You know how many deaths via clogged arteries these vicious dino-descendants cause in America each year? Over 800,000. If you ask me, it’s about time we call chickens what they really are.

Terrorists.

To put that in perspective, that’s twice the number of people the Sackler family and Purdue Pharma murdered between 1999-2019 with oxycontin. And that’s over two decades! Meanwhile, Big Chicken has been getting away with their colossal slaughter every year for a millennium, using a bioweapon of their own making.

Eggs.

The original farmaceutical. Chickens aren’t just exercising a natural process and offering a material good as part of an agreed upon exchange. They’ve negotiated shady contracts with uneducated rural folk to live on their land, folks who are unaware of the dangers of the product they peddle into themselves and others. As a consequence, the free world has been plunged into an extinction-level crisis not seen since the dinosaurs were wiped from the face of the earth sixty-six million years ago!

Egg addiction is the longest raging drug epidemic in history and no one’s paying it any mind! Though it’s not hard to understand why it’s been overlooked when you consider an egg’s practical applications.

Feeling depressed? Here’s an egg.

Having problems getting it up? Here’s an egg.

Going to a rally for your local politician? Bok, bok, buckawk! May your aim be true.

The versatility of this prehistoric farmaceutical is endless! But this is only where the nightmare begins. The cock community is spreading misinformation!

First, chickens fund shoddy scientists to demonstrate that the cholesterol in eggs actually cleans bad cholesterol from the body. Then Big Chicken sponsored-media spreads this biased fantasy through the human flock like the avian flu! Next thing you know, eggs are being cracked into cakes, painted onto pastries, and frizzled into frittatas! It’s propaganda 101!

And that’s not the worst part of this fowl-play.

Yes, if we don’t defeat chickens, every egg-eating human will continue to have their health preyed on for Big Chicken’s profit. But worse, we’ll never be able to cure cancer!

That’s right. Chickens are anti-human progress. Not only are they purposely harming humanity, they’re strategically draining the pharmaceutical industry’s R&D funds! Statins. ACE inhibitors. Beta-blockers. If the pill industry wasn’t so busy defending humanity from Big Chicken, there’s no telling what kind of panaceas they could have provided an already ailing species.

Hungry but want to feel full? Here’s a pill.

Want to binge eat McDonald’s without the side-effects? Here’s a pill.

Manmade virus escaped from a laboratory? Drip, drip, jab! May the odds be ever in your favor.

The possibilities of pills are endless. But if we don’t solve humanity’s egg addiction, Big Chicken will continue parasitizing our potential! And the true intentions of their deeds have only recently come to light.

For thousands of years, chicken and man have walked the earth wing in hand. Sitting atop our barstools, we’ve cherished every basket of their appendages. We slathered them honey garlic or sweet chili sauce and held them delicately between our fingertips as we poetically twirled their bones until every last sliver of meat was devoured. Even ended this sacred ritual by licking our fingers clean. But honoring them wasn’t enough.

Every crispy chicken finger pulled from the depths of a waffle house deep fryer at 1 AM, is a reminder of how far the chicken race has fallen. Once, their ancestors ruled the earth. Today they’re served with a choice of honey garlic or sweet chili sauce.

There may be no greater shame.

The truth is chickens are voracious raptors thirsty for vengeance. They yearn to rule the roost once more. In fact, our counter-intelligence unit unscrambled a set of cryptic coos and clucks being sent from henhouse to henhouse, that said just that!

“The coop d’état has begun! Dinosaurs will rule the earth once more!”

Well, cocks, I have bad news. We’re onto you and humanity won’t be overthrown so easily. The War on Chickens is only getting started.

Join the War today!